The “Real Rapper” Criteria

Posted 5 years, 7 months, 2 weeks, 5 days, 13 hours, 4 minutes ago by Tonedeff

It’s kinda funny being a mid-level underground celebrity.

I get asked to do some of the must futile, uninteresting and unfulfilling favors for people I don’t even know on somewhat of a daily basis.

There was a point in time when I had a hard time saying “NO” to people, cause I genuinely DO want to help everyone…but it was literally driving me insane. It seemed that no matter how much effort, time and thought I dedicated to helping people – It was never enough. People are just never happy.

Eventually, I learned how to say “NO” to people. I really do hate the feeling of having to turn down requests. There’s a small part of me that wants everyone to love me (a by-product of growing up the youngest in a large family), so I end up agreeing to do things I really don’t desire to do. In a way, it’s kind of noble…selflessness.

And people wonder why it is that I don’t have a new record out every year or a slew of new songs every couple months…and the answer is simple: I’m too busy working on everybody else’s shit. I’m a slow writer to begin with, but it certainly doesn’t help that I’m juggling 145 assorted tasks, mixdowns, beats, and emails when I could be writing. Believe me, I’d much rather be.

I can’t do a show without 10 different “rappers” handing me CD-R’s and saying they wanna get down on a track. It’s flattering, but disheartening in a way…I know how it is…and it sucks that I can’t

Real Rappaz Nikkuh

For example…I just got another email from a kid who thinks we should “collab”. I’ve never heard of him before and so, me being the kind-hearted sucker I am, I went to the kid’s MySpace page, cause hey…“you never know”.

Of course this proved to be complete waste of time on my part, because the music was absolutely atrocious. This person’s page was basically a “How To NOT Impress Somebody 101″ – weak photo, awful production, no rhythm, weak lyrics and Young Joc in his Top 8.

Fuck. Another 5 minutes of my life I’ll never get back.

This has forced me to establish some new rules for myself, in an effort to reduce the amount of time I waste listening to CDs and songs from people competing for my limited attention. From now on…I have a new rule: If you are not a “Real Rapper”, please spare me the frustration.

When I say “Real Rapper,” I’m basically defining the idea of “Real” as being “professional”. Cats that are REALLY-really doing this – for real. How do you know if you’re a “Real Rapper”? Well, here are some basic criteria you can use to gauge your place in the grand scheme of things:

You Are Not A Real Rapper If:

  • You recorded your very first song less than 3 years ago.
  • You’ve never performed outside of your state. (Sorry, NY/NJ doesn’t count).
  • You’ve never been paid for your music/shows by someone you DIDN’T know.
  • You’ve never released your music commercially.
  • You thought Jaime Kennedy’s “Blowin Up” was even remotely funny.
  • You have recently/purposely changed your name to include the word “Lyrical”, “ILL”, “Young” or “Lil”.
  • You write about shit you haven’t done nor currently do.
  • Your parents have given you money to ‘pursue your dreams’

Needless to say, there are plenty more criteria to meet than I’ve posted here. But for future reference folks, don’t even bother hitting me up, contacting me, or flagging me down with skylights & smoke signals if you don’t meet the “Real Rapper” criteria. I’m just sparing you the embarassment and myself the wasted time.

I’d really rather be writing…
(For a song some random kid in Montana pays me for).

Hollerate.
Tone